I found the key! It was hidden under the inner turmoil of fables in my mind. I have written the preamble for my book and about two chapters. As I relive the Bali to Baltimore fashion dream journey I am beginning to see where I missed the mark.

I made myself a schedule and sat myself down and began to type. Despite the figurative distractions I followed the rhythm in my writing corner on the farm. I see as I write that I gave up too soon when the factory I was working with in Bali had to pause my work.

I have always felt that something left undone, is like a love story that had not been given the chance to explore a full bloom. I gave up too soon and filled my years with fashion’s peripheral views. I had not been living the rich expression of my fashion dreams and the depths of my core had hollowed out as a result.

Here is the first chapter of the book, it mixes what I had started and where I have landed between the past and present.

Too Late

I feel the call once again to fully pursue my fashion dreams. But now, I’m not 30—I’m 41. I have everything I need to fulfill this dream, but it’s taken so much to build those resources for myself. There’s a concept called learned helplessness—when someone endures so much pain and struggle that, even when the door finally opens to freedom, they hesitate to walk through it. They’re simply too mentally drained from the struggle to survive.

It’s been ten years since I wrote Bali Fashion Dream. So much has changed, and yet, in the deepest corner of my soul, I still feel the heartache it took to get here.

I couldn’t have imagined how much it would take to truly build a life around a fashion dream—or how many times I’d have to recommit to it. Today, I sit in my writing corner, looking out a farm window on a sunny summer day. My golden retriever lies peacefully at the entrance door. This morning, I had a call with my dear friend Ann Saunders. She reminded me of the girl she met years ago at the Fashion & Textile Museum in London, when I was taking her handbag design course. She recalled how excited I was, how full of ideas and solid advice for fellow founders trying to launch their lines.

On our call this morning, I explained how much work I’ve done in the field of entrepreneurship education—both nationally and internationally. Yet I couldn’t help but feel my ladder had been leaning against the wrong wall. I kept glancing back at my fashion dreams, wondering: Have I climbed too far in the wrong direction? Maybe it’s too late. Maybe I’ve strayed too far from myself. Maybe that train has already left—and I missed it.

After leaving Bali and returning to the U.S., I didn’t have an industry waiting for me. So, over the last ten years, I’ve rebuilt the fashion industry I needed—in Baltimore.

Ann had written the foreword to the first edition of Baltimore Fashion Dream, but the revitalization of industry is not included as it took form years after the book was printed. I told her I’d need to rewrite the book entirely. And in the twinkle of her eye, I saw both mentor and friend. Her response was one I was nervous to hear, but deep down, I knew it was coming:

“I think you should.”

Photographer: Pat Bourque